Changes.

I was watching a good chunk of the Waking Life with my roommate Sammy today and it just got me to thinking how much thought can change, and just how much we change as people over a period of time.  The Waking Life has some political undertones, a lot on lucid dreaming, and a lot on the awareness of everyday life and where we are at as creative, aware beings.  The part that is the most interesting to me.  I feel like I've been shown all these methods and ideas and ways to get the most out of life, and I know they're all swirling around in my body somewhere, but they just don't feel like they are there as they used to be.  I used to be so diligent with my meditation, and being connected, and at the whim of the world.  But I don't desire that anymore.  It's coming down to what I desire.  And I want some quiet.  I want to be in my own space - tucked out of the way, and have a place where I can just escape and feel really comfortable.  Be out of everyone's way because I feel like I can be in the way a lot.  I feel like a nuisance sometimes, and I like to be really far away from that so my own little space would be really nice.  Romance is also chewing me up a bit, so I'm just trying to balance daily life with letting things be at the will of what they wish to do, and not my own.  To a degree I control the situations I am in, but only to a certain degree.  I am horrible at being patient.    So so so bad at it.  I've got some feelings that are so hard to be patient with; but I've also been so patient to the point that I've seen something awesome walk in front of me, and then walk on by me as well.  So internally I am a little all over the place, but I am moving along which is really nice.  When certain feelings arise that have been under the ground for some time - it feels unreal.  Yes, I am purposefully being vague here.  On another note: I'm hoping to get a dope haircut soon, and a dope tax return which means getting much needed dental work done!  And then saving.  And hopefully moving.  And hopefully this and hopefully that.  Trying to stay calmly excited for whats to come in the next couple months.  I hope it's busy, and full of fun and anticipation.  I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this blog post, but it's just kind of flowing out of me here a little bit.  Girls, haircut, work, moving, hip injuries, tax returns, sleep, anxiety, energy, and frustration are common themes for me right now.  That seems like a lot.  Hm.

Ukulele is my therapy.

I've been doing a lot of communicating lately.  Both with myself and others.  It's really exciting, and awesome, and fucking terrifying.  To just simply state what I feel, and ask the same of someone else, and then share where we think we can go with these feelings, and then act on it.  It's helping me understand my limits, and how I can start to caress those limits up higher, and create a more rounded experience of my life.  I've been talking with myself a little less than I would like to, though.  I haven't been posting in my blog as much as I'd like to, and writing has been here and there.  I've been working on a new song on my ukulele, and that has been a great avenue for some self expression.  I'm working on a piece that is somewhat sullen, but I don't feel attached to those feelings or that I have to be feeling a certain way to work on this piece.  Likewise with a poem I wrote recently - it's really heavy and pretty gnarly but when I wrote it I was not feeling overwhelmingly like the emotions portrayed in the poem.  Channeling emotions into art is a beautiful thing.  I am happy to be writing this blog post, I'm currently sitting on my bed listening to Doo Wop and this is much needed.  I've been feeling a bit bogged down, and just caught up in love, life, and deciding what to do with my future.  I've been feeling strongly lately about the fact that I control and dictate what I do with my life.  It is all my choice.  I can choose to sit around and be virtually invisible to the world around me, or I can colour it the shades of my feelingsand hues of my inspiration and weave into the world around me and be felt.     But how can I make my feelings move outside of me?  Where should that happen?  I know I feel the need for change but how do I make it happen?  Travelling is amazing - and requires a lot of sacrifice.  Art is beautiful, and takes commitment.  I guess it just comes down to what motivates and fulfills me.  Which I will learn through some little projects I have planned!  Or will hopefully learn, I'll find out.  Today I watched a really amazing TED Talk, and I highly suggest it to you all.  It is by Chris Abani, and here is the link - http://www.ted.com/talks/chris_abani_muses_on_humanity.html .  What struck me most is how he speaks so non-chalantly about his life and the things that I perceieve as fucking unreal.  It seems to me Chris just accepts his life and experiences as his own, and that is the life he lives.  It's not crazy, or unreal, it's quite the opposite and completely real for him.  It made me feel very close to him.  And to hear the stories of compassion coming out of some very stark situations makes me feel more empowered and able to do those simple acts of kindess in my everyday fairly secure life.  I also wrote a poem after his talk, and I'll leave you all with that shortly.  Basically, in short, I'm loving words and music and starting to feel art flowing through me again.  Yesssss, awesome!

Title:  Look at Us.


How much humanity do we miss when we

 BLINK

How many stories pass by when we look
at the mirror.

The amount of
.L.
 o  we can give is insurmountable if we can
 v  learn that being
.e.

VULNERABLE

is
 a
good
thing.

Each day life is lived a milliontimesover.

HOW
   can
      WE
turn that into
 
   1,
    000,
       000

lives !loved!

[intheblinkofaneye?]