Changes.

I was watching a good chunk of the Waking Life with my roommate Sammy today and it just got me to thinking how much thought can change, and just how much we change as people over a period of time.  The Waking Life has some political undertones, a lot on lucid dreaming, and a lot on the awareness of everyday life and where we are at as creative, aware beings.  The part that is the most interesting to me.  I feel like I've been shown all these methods and ideas and ways to get the most out of life, and I know they're all swirling around in my body somewhere, but they just don't feel like they are there as they used to be.  I used to be so diligent with my meditation, and being connected, and at the whim of the world.  But I don't desire that anymore.  It's coming down to what I desire.  And I want some quiet.  I want to be in my own space - tucked out of the way, and have a place where I can just escape and feel really comfortable.  Be out of everyone's way because I feel like I can be in the way a lot.  I feel like a nuisance sometimes, and I like to be really far away from that so my own little space would be really nice.  Romance is also chewing me up a bit, so I'm just trying to balance daily life with letting things be at the will of what they wish to do, and not my own.  To a degree I control the situations I am in, but only to a certain degree.  I am horrible at being patient.    So so so bad at it.  I've got some feelings that are so hard to be patient with; but I've also been so patient to the point that I've seen something awesome walk in front of me, and then walk on by me as well.  So internally I am a little all over the place, but I am moving along which is really nice.  When certain feelings arise that have been under the ground for some time - it feels unreal.  Yes, I am purposefully being vague here.  On another note: I'm hoping to get a dope haircut soon, and a dope tax return which means getting much needed dental work done!  And then saving.  And hopefully moving.  And hopefully this and hopefully that.  Trying to stay calmly excited for whats to come in the next couple months.  I hope it's busy, and full of fun and anticipation.  I don't really know what I'm trying to say with this blog post, but it's just kind of flowing out of me here a little bit.  Girls, haircut, work, moving, hip injuries, tax returns, sleep, anxiety, energy, and frustration are common themes for me right now.  That seems like a lot.  Hm.

Ukulele is my therapy.

I've been doing a lot of communicating lately.  Both with myself and others.  It's really exciting, and awesome, and fucking terrifying.  To just simply state what I feel, and ask the same of someone else, and then share where we think we can go with these feelings, and then act on it.  It's helping me understand my limits, and how I can start to caress those limits up higher, and create a more rounded experience of my life.  I've been talking with myself a little less than I would like to, though.  I haven't been posting in my blog as much as I'd like to, and writing has been here and there.  I've been working on a new song on my ukulele, and that has been a great avenue for some self expression.  I'm working on a piece that is somewhat sullen, but I don't feel attached to those feelings or that I have to be feeling a certain way to work on this piece.  Likewise with a poem I wrote recently - it's really heavy and pretty gnarly but when I wrote it I was not feeling overwhelmingly like the emotions portrayed in the poem.  Channeling emotions into art is a beautiful thing.  I am happy to be writing this blog post, I'm currently sitting on my bed listening to Doo Wop and this is much needed.  I've been feeling a bit bogged down, and just caught up in love, life, and deciding what to do with my future.  I've been feeling strongly lately about the fact that I control and dictate what I do with my life.  It is all my choice.  I can choose to sit around and be virtually invisible to the world around me, or I can colour it the shades of my feelingsand hues of my inspiration and weave into the world around me and be felt.     But how can I make my feelings move outside of me?  Where should that happen?  I know I feel the need for change but how do I make it happen?  Travelling is amazing - and requires a lot of sacrifice.  Art is beautiful, and takes commitment.  I guess it just comes down to what motivates and fulfills me.  Which I will learn through some little projects I have planned!  Or will hopefully learn, I'll find out.  Today I watched a really amazing TED Talk, and I highly suggest it to you all.  It is by Chris Abani, and here is the link - http://www.ted.com/talks/chris_abani_muses_on_humanity.html .  What struck me most is how he speaks so non-chalantly about his life and the things that I perceieve as fucking unreal.  It seems to me Chris just accepts his life and experiences as his own, and that is the life he lives.  It's not crazy, or unreal, it's quite the opposite and completely real for him.  It made me feel very close to him.  And to hear the stories of compassion coming out of some very stark situations makes me feel more empowered and able to do those simple acts of kindess in my everyday fairly secure life.  I also wrote a poem after his talk, and I'll leave you all with that shortly.  Basically, in short, I'm loving words and music and starting to feel art flowing through me again.  Yesssss, awesome!

Title:  Look at Us.


How much humanity do we miss when we

 BLINK

How many stories pass by when we look
at the mirror.

The amount of
.L.
 o  we can give is insurmountable if we can
 v  learn that being
.e.

VULNERABLE

is
 a
good
thing.

Each day life is lived a milliontimesover.

HOW
   can
      WE
turn that into
 
   1,
    000,
       000

lives !loved!

[intheblinkofaneye?]

Mental Health and Climbing

More like mental health IS climbing.  Hit the gym with a couple friends today, first time in about a week or so and just ripped it up.  Didn't climb a lot of hard stuff, spent a lot of time doddling on boulder problems, but I was able to work the bottom half of an awesome 5.12-. and I almost sent a 5.11- on my first try, but made a silly mistake at the top and took a fall.  Then finished it solidly.  Bouldered some V3 business, played around on V2, and setup a wicked little two dyno V0 route thing that is really fun.  Basically, climbing helps me let go of shit and just relax and have fun.  It's a physical challenge, and a wonderful work out.  Working out is something that has been missing in my life, and it is creeping back!  Been busting out the weights lately, and yesterday I went for a run around Swan Lake.  It's a gorgeous little run there, and it's not overly strenuous so it's perfect for me right now.  I've been on my bike a lot more, and not letting the fact that I need to bike somewhere stop me from going there.  Although it hasn't been pissing rain lately, so that could be a part of it.   I am feeling more open to exercise though, which is really exciting.  It helps to clear my mind.  It's as if for the moments I'm exercising that is all there is - just pushing my body, and working my limits however low or high they may be.  The stresses of everyday life, and romance, and work just all go away and I'm left to breathe hard and work hard.  I find that extremely relaxing.  Tomorrow is going to a busy day - work on bikes, climb, belay, climb, work, and then come home!  I'm really excited for it.  I haven't had a busy day like that for a long time.  Old healthy habits of being busy are popping up again and getting me excited for the days to come!  This week is a good week sofar.  Going to be full of time at the climbing gym, which makes me very happy.   VERY happy, seeing as I can't really afford to go climbing any other way than through belaying.  Alas, I am going to end this post here and move on to other things.  I shall post again soon!  It's good to get these feelings off my chest and send them outwards.  This is going to happen more often.

Living and learning!

I've been working on a poem or two again.  It feels really nice.  Last time I tried to write I was all hung up on this one idea and my writing was just awful, but then I decided to let go and write about what was really going on in my head and I've ended up with something fantastic that is soon to be finished!  As well, I revisited an old poem that I thought needed work, but it turns out it's totally done and I'm going to perform it tonight at Tongues of Fire!  I learnt that it's really important to tap into what you currently have going on in your mind, and in a sense of creativity to use it to your benefit because really - what else is there to grasp aside from the things burning in your head?  For me at least.  It all comes down to presence, it seems.  Capture the moment - and use a pen, or a camera, or paint, or a lover, or whatever but grasp it and make something of it because all of those moments amount to a larger appreciation of every second that passes by that may not seem as inspired, or driven.  Being present has been a huge struggle for me in the last few months.  I've been caught up with money issues, a lot of hermitting, a lack of motivation, and a lack of exercise.  It had gotten to this point of not having anything to be excited for, and dreading everything.  Dreading buying what little groceries I could, dreading doing laundry, dreading trying to bike anywhere.  And then excuses follow.  And then more deterioration.  It just spirals downward as easily as it spirals upwards and for me it ended up in a lot of sitting in my bed, not leaving the house, and just being a big debbie downer.    (My apologies to any Debbies reading this).  Like I said in my last post, I've been going out more to meet up with friends and that has been really exciting and fulfilling.  I've been finding myself running into people that are good for me to see, having meaningful conversations, and feeling more valuble as a human being.  Feeling like I have something to offer, be it as simple as conversation.  I want to transfer that joy of conversation to work, a minor side-goal.  As well, I'm finding the motivation exercise more easily and it's not as much of a struggle to get down and work a little harder.  Giving up drinking is barely worth talking about - it's been painfully simple thus far and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.  My overall enjoyment of life is definitely starting to increase, albeit slowly it is.  I'm learning and understanding more lessons, and being able to grasp beauty a little gentler and less forcefully.  Hoorah, forward motion!  I think I want to do a Vlog soon!  Weeeeo.

Friends.

I've been seeing old friends a lot lately.  Good friends.  It's been awhile since I've been this social, and it is really fantastic.  I forgot how nice it is to just sit down with someone and talk.  Over tea, over food, just sitting on a couch.  Having the chance to share my life with others, and have others share their lives with me makes me feel valuable.  Like I have something to share.  It gives me something positive to do with my time, and I get to learn about life from another point of view.  Plus it's fun!  Goofing around, or talking about goals.  It sets everything in stone.  Gets ideas flowing, and feed with motivation.  That's all I really have to say on that topic... Friends are fantastic!  Woooo.

What is going on here, guys?

I don't really know, to be honest!  But I do know that I have some new plans.  In the spirit of the new year, I'm setting some new goals.  Not necessarily resolutions as I see that as cheesy, but the new year is a nice excuse to try some fresh new things.  First off:  I'm not going to drink booze for as long as I feel I need to until I get myself figured out a bit better.  I find that I come across this new sense of self-connectedness and openness only after I drink, and I used to have those feelings on any given day so I'm going to work to rediscover those emotions through sobriety!  And just to work on my mental fortitude and self-control.  It's something that has gotten a little out of whack, and it's time to lock things down.

   Secondly, this blog is going to be a tool for me in my goals.  I'm working on getting more in touch with myself, more journalling, more writing, more music, and I aim to make this blog a hub of all of those.  I hope to vlog as well as post videos of myself performing poetry, others performing poetry, and have video interviews with creative folks around Victoria and just have overall lovliness revolving around this blog.  I'm continuing my old blog because I feel that all of the past posts are relevant and reveal more about where I've been!  Aaaaaaaaand yeah, that seems like the end of this paragraph.

   Here's another one!  I'm aiming to blog at least twice a week, have videos once a week, and use this as my personal journal.  Just be really candid and open, and get back into the groove of sharing my emotions!  Anyways, this is just a little intro, and  I'm going to make another post soon!

  Best Wishes, friends!

It's been awhile, friends.

I've got a big post coming, as it has been almost a year since I last posted. Prepare for an entry somewhat comparable to a short novel.