Tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry.

Man, I don't even know right now. So much going on in my head. My mom's talking about moving a lot, but I can't see it happening if I'm going away for 6 months, and I don't want to trap her here. I dunno, it's a lot to think about. I'm still fairly sure I'm going to quit my job. I'm looking for something a little quieter, and that'll involved being around less people. We'll see what happens. Today was a decent day, mind you. Wasn't too terrible, I suppose. I was so tired the whole day. I dunno, I don't feel too up to blogging right now.
Night.

No words can describe

I feel like shit. Absolute shit. I just feel like putting my head in my hands and sitting. For days. I'm tired, my job is just not going well at all, I don't feel like I'm connected to anything at all. And that is fucking scary. I'm thinking I'm probably going to quit my job. I'm just feeling really trapped. I need to look for something I'm motivated and wanting to do. I took the door to door job because it was right there, and easy to get into. I've definitely learnt the easiest route is not the best route. Sooo, I dunno, I'm honestly pretty set on quitting. I have this feeling that even if I start doing well, it's not going to change anything. So I'm going to quit, and look for something more interesting. Dedicate my time back to myself, because I know that's something I need. Today was a decent day, as well. I had my first band practice in.... 5 months? It was so wonderful. Ben finished our album, and we've got some plans for selling CDs soon! ( www.myspace.com/islandsend ). It was just so good to make music again. Then I had a couple terrible bus rides, and a meeting that was actually really nice. It was for the Sooke Youth Council, and it was just awesome to think about stuff with people. It felt a bit redundant, but it was definitely something that was necessary to get the ball rolling again. So yeah. It's time for change.

Spit for the hated, the reviled, the unrefined.

So today was.... okay. My mom had a serious chat with me that involved her thinking about moving across the country, back to her home. It had me in a daze pretty much all day. She told me when she got home that she feels we probably wouldn't go, but it's still there I think. So I dunno, that really threw me for a loop. Then I had to work. I've been doing a terrible job for like, the last two weeks, and I just have to get it in gear. I don't know why I'm not doing well, but I need to pick it up somehow. So work is hell basically. I'm trying to pick it up, but it's just not working. I haven't been able to realize my emotions lately. I don't know what I feel. I feel like a giant callous. Tomorrow is going to be the first band practice in... 5 months? I am quite excited. It's been so long. It'll be nice to make music as a band again. I also have a pretty huge Youth Council meeting in the evening, so that'll be interesting as well. Tomorrow evening I'm going to bike as well. Down to the spit, and around. Just find quiet places to chill out, and relax, and breathe, or whatever. Hopefully this weekend goes well. I'm off to Squamish on Monday.

Slow Hands.

Ahhhh yes. This morning I felt very rushed, and I didn't enjoy it one bit. I was completely dreading going to work, but when I got there, it was nice to see Dan, Clem, and especially Louisa. It was extra nice to see her. I felt like I connected with her awesome at Braden's party, and it was just really nice to see her again. And the day went well, talked a lot which is always nice. But yeah, work was alright. Bus ride home was nice. I dunno what to blog about. I feel like my life is shambles again. I'm not biking much, not exercising much, not meditating much, not doing much of anything. I need to remember myself. I seem to get so caught up with having to always see people and do stuff that I forget about myself. I swear to fuck that I don't know what I need in life right now. I say need to damn much, and it's driving myself nuts. If I say I need something, and if I go out looking for it, I'm going to completely miss it. Being present is so important. Just be present. What I need will reveal itself when I am being. FDASGhadsjkfhdsfkahslkdas fuck man. It's really intense. It'll be sorted out soon enough, I guess. jkhaljf. Blah. This is how I feel.

Holy smokes.

So my weekend was amazing. The Potholes with Ben/Cody/Alex were wonderful. We hiked around for a few hours, and went in the water. They all swam down the potholes for awhile, and I couldn't as I can't swim, so I just stayed back and hung out. Before they trekked down the river, we decided to have a little poetry read. So I read a couple poems, and Ben recited his. I loved his poems a lot, they were so awesome. The anticipation was totally worth it. Then we started to talk about loud poems and stuff, and I've got a couple of those, and after we talked, I was just itching to recite mine. So I asked, and everyone was down, so I stood up and just went nuts. I read "Champion of Nothing", and it was incredible. When I got to the part on fear, and nothing stopping up, I was speaking at the top of my lungs. I could hear my voice echoing off of the potholes back at me. After I was done reading, I was shaking. It was so incredible, I just completely lost myself in my words. I realized that like... my voice adjusts to the size of the room, and there's no walls at the potholes, so I was just shouting my words to the world. It was such a freeing experience. So then they swam, and I walked down to the next little area, and just hung out, climbed on the rocks with them a little and the like. Then I just chilled on this one little beach by myself, and it was super super nice. Came home, hung around, and it was super chill. Such an awesome day. Right now, though, I feel like crap. I'm tired, feeling really rushed and stressed for some reason. I don't know why, but it sucks. I have to go to work, and I'm not stoked at all. I do not like canvassing in Esquimalt. The feeling of that place is just really eerie and incomplete to me. Whatever, work is work, as they all say. Work is bullshit.

Be well.

End of the day.

So, after I left Ben's, I caught the bus with another Ben, and we yakked and it was a nice ride, had a nice little talk with a couple backpackers. I went home, and met up with Ben and Cody a little later, and we just hung out, and it was super nice. We hiked through a bunch of sweet land to Kemp Lake - Cody's family owns a tonne of land out there. It was really beautiful. It felt so good to just be in and with nature. Then we went back to Cody's and hung out for a bit longer, listened to awesome music, listened to some sweet poetry, then we set up the tent and I went home for dinner. I was planning on going back, but by the time they got back to me I was way too tired. I would like to go, but I am just so dead I need a good rest, and to not bike around at night. I feel bad, as I just remembered that I was going to bring a glowstick so that we could do some light-art with some longer exposure film shots. Shit. Well, I'm at home for a reason, and I'm pretty sure it's for downtime. Which is really nice. I'm looking forward to tomorrow, though. It'll be nice.
I feel good.

Be well.

A bright and sunny morning.

So yesterday was an alright day. I went to work, and I dropped by the MEC and it turns out they didn't carry the shoes I wanted, so I've gotta order them through the website, but it's free so I'm not too worried about it at all. I'll probably get them in a couple weeks. Work was okay. I've been feeling a major lack of confidence at work, and nervousness doing my job, which has really hindered my ability to be effective. But I talked to this one guy and his buddy who were just sittin' down drinkin' beers and having a good time. He was super interested, listened to everything, and I had a really good rap. It just really lifted my spirits. So the rest of shift was alright, didn't make any money, but next week will be a lot better. Then after work, it was party time! Braden had a grad 'ol party, and I saw lots of people I haven't seen in ages. It was fantastic. I drank a bit, but I wasn't terribly drunk. I really need to stop being such a fucking loser, and really cut back on drinking. Even though I wasn't really drunk, I still drank more than I told myself I'd like to, and I hate letting myself down. There's no excuse as to why I cannot follow my own rules and goals that I set for myself. So I've gotta get my ass in gear with that. I was able to say "Hey, I need to help my body out, I'm going to bike a lot", and "Hey, I want to work my upper body, I'm going to work out as regularly as I can," and actually do it, so there's no reason why I'm not able to do this with drinking. Time to get my ass in gearrrr!!

Thanks.
Much love.